The NannyMUD Times issue 1999 February.

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 1    ---


  This issue is dedicated to Judy Cook, who was known on here as Kadoth,
  Casper, and Dangermouse.  She was killed in a car accident on Christmas
  Day, 1998.
  Rest in peace, Judy.




  (1) Index
  (2) Announcements
  ------ News ------
  (3) Demon booked on possession charges
  (4) Cooks test age-old theory
  (5) Archeological dig unearths controversial theory
  ------ Society ------
  (6) Interview with Dagoth, newly-promoted Highwizard
  (7) PK log, courtesy of Groke
  ( Recent marriages
  (9) Horoscopes
 (10) Replies to last issue's personal ads
*Press return for more or q to end. >
  ------ Valentine's Day ------
 (11) History of Valentine's Day
 (12) Arts and Crafts
 (13) What did you receive this Valentine's Day?
  ------ Miscellaneous ------
 (14) Lonewolf's Sweden trip
 (15) Editorial



---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 2    ---


  The following are the announcements from the past month.

  Multiplayers were banned again.  Satanic and Stormer were the first two
  to go, followed by Cucu and Yzzxfdl.  Pit was demoted for healing a mortal,
  and the duration of his punishment was one month.

  The Dreampost and the entire Dreamwold have vanished, but rumor has it that
  the quests have remained.

  Hodd's area opened, and hasn't closed yet, which is a good sign.
  Sindel opened an area as well.

  Dagoth was promoted to level 28, and ten days later became the newest
  highwizard.  Coincidentally, he has a lot more friends now.

  The Kittens guild closed, much to the disillusionment of some mortals.

  The Telgar Butchershop and Restaurant opened, much to the delight of
  some mortals.  The Headwaiter of the Restaurant expressed an interest
  in the meat of the strange and new creatures that inhabit a newly-
  discovered area.  Knock yourselves out.


---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 3    ---




 A demon has been arrested on possession charges, according to Nanny police.
 Prosecutors are planning on charging the demon, whose name has not been
 released due to his juvenile status, with possession with intent to
 distribute.

 At approximately 2:30 a.m. a police cruiser noticed that the demon's cart
 was driving slowly and erratically.  The cart was traveling approximately
 15 kph in a 50 kph zone, reported the arresting officer R. Sciorro.
 "I pulled him over and approached the cart, and I noted his dazed
 expression and bloodshot eyes.  I figured we had a soul-head on our hands."

 Soul-sniffing dogs pointed police to the cart's trunk, where they found

 eight souls, sealed in a bag that was wrapped in brown paper and hidden
 inside one of the demon's shoes.  Officer Sciorro arrested the demon and
 took the souls back to police headquarters for examination.

 "We interrogated each of the souls and found them all to be devout Lars
 worshippers," said Sciorro.  "That could mean only one thing: the demon
had connections to the Antharis soul lords."  This fact, plus the sheer
 quantity of souls involved, prompted prosecutors to charge the demon with
 intent to distribute.

 When interviewed at his holding cell in Larstown, the demon denied that he
 intended to sell the souls.  "I swear I was gonna use them all myself,"
 he said.  "I been doing this stuff so long, one soul just doesn't do
 anything for me anymore."

 But children at Larstown schools say that the demon is a common fixture
 around their schoolyards, trying to peddle dimebags of souls.  "He tries
 to be our friend," said eight-year-old Craig Travis.  "He always gives
 kids the first soul free. And he'll stick up for you, too.  If he sees
 that kids are being mean to you, he'll beat them up and send their souls to
 the Netherhells."

 "Most of the kids are kind of afraid of him," Travis added.  The demon has
 also been named as a defendant in a civil suit filed by his former
 girlfriend, 17-year-old Elsie Wilson of Dak Simyar who claims that the
 demon made her eat a baby in a fit of the "munchies."  She also holds that
 she was forced to sacrifice goats to Cthulhu in a midnight ritual and then
 listen to early Yes albums until dawn.

 The demon is being represented in both trials by NORDIC, the National
 Organization for Reforming Demon Inhabitance Codes.  NORDIC counsel Jeff
 Harrington said that the demon is a victim of a legal system that punishes
 demonic possession far out of proportion to its actual harm.

 "This demon is being persecuted for what is essentially a victimless
 crime, if you don't count the victim," said Harrington.  "Demonic
 possession is a felony in this mud, while alien possession - far worse,
 in my opinion - is perfectly legal.  Why the double standard?  Because
 the aliens have got the admin in the palm of their hand.  No 35++ wants
 to be seen voting against Big Alien."

 As he awaited trial, the demon also expressed his frustration with the
 system.  "Everybody's got so many hang-ups about a little soul, man, I
 don't understand it," he said.  "In such a beautiful world, why does there
 have to be so much negativity out there? I mean, c'mon, it's all evil."

 Below is the police report on the demon's cart, which was impounded at
 the time of his arrest:

 YEAR: 1982
 MAKE: Dodge
 MODEL: Aries Sedan
 CONTENTS:
    Brimstone-scented incense
    Hemp pentagram
    Book: "The Tao of Cthulhu"
    Bag of Purina Hellhound Chow
 BUMPER STICKERS:
    "It's All Evil"
    "Disembowel Authority"
    "Damn Leonard Peltier"
    "Honk if you love Cthulhu"

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 4    ---


 INGIS LANE-  A group of seven cooks gathered in Ingis Lane Tuesday to
 partake in an annual ritual dispelling the old wives tale about excessive
 cooks and their negative effect on broth quality.  They met at the home of
 Drakmar and immediately went to work.

 The first cook, Diego, set the stag by producing a fine chicken-based
 broth.  The second cook, Achilleos, added five bullion cubes and announced
 that it was coming nicely.  Shaggan, the third cook, stirred while fourth
 cook Thaadd seasoned the then boiling broth.

 Things were now moving smoothly for the fifth cook, Marzipan, to taste
 and adjust the simmering temperature.  Sixth cook Werner set the table
 and the seventh cook, Lurk, added the corn starch to thicken.

 "Things are fine here," said homeowner Drakmar.  "I'd say that too many
 cooks actually helped this broth."  Drakmar himself has a reputation as a
 fine cook, but decided to hand his kitchen over to the seven cooks, deemed
 'too many' by the Culinary Institute of Nanny.

 "This should put that old notion to rest once and for all," said Randolph.

>
> read page 5
You read page 5 in your newspaper.

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 5    ---


  CASADA- The small island of Casada, long famous as a resort and tourist
  destination, has played an important role in the long history of Nanny
  colonization of the outlying islands.  Lately, a startling reminder of
  the nearness of the past was discovered beneath the azure waves of a
  lagoon.  This find gives credence to the mythical tales of nations called
  England and Spain and their adventures on the high seas.

  In 1693, during the legendary 'English' conflict with 'Spain', an
  English privateer, damaged by a Spanish warship, sought shelter in
  Casada's harbor during a hurricane.  The ship was driven onto the reef
  surrounding the lagoon and sank with a loss of all hands.

  Since then, countless treasure seekers have tried to locate the wreck,
  with little or no success.  But last weekend, a Simyarin treasure hunter,
  Dr. Calish, finally found the remains of the ship, eight feet below the
  sandy lagoon bottom.

  The ship, the WARR, contains what is probably the first pirate radio
  station in the mud.  In the ship's stateroom, bronze plaques, engraved 'Ye
  Transmittere', 'Ye Turne-table', 'Ye On-Aire Signe', and 'Ye Mixing-Plank,'
  were recovered.  In the ship's hold, a wide variety of minuets, hornpipes,
  and 'jigges' were found, carefully labeled and etched on copper plates. 

  Dr. Calish has determined that this "pirate radio" is a corruption of two
  different things.  "Its use as a form of mass communication is clearly a
  take-off of guildlines, hence the 'pirate' term," he said.  "And linguists
  have determined that 'radio' is a derivation of 'Ra Dios' which is clearly
  derived from two ancient languages' terms for Lars."

  Dr. Calish is enthusiastic about his find.  "Shiver me timbers, matey!
  The WARR is one of the most important cultural artifacts from this period
  of human history," he said.  "Even now, we have found buggy-bumper
  stickers, T-shirts with lace and long, flowing sleeves, plumed hats,
  and other promotional items, all embroidered with the pirates' motto:
  'ARR: Rock the Plank!' Arr!" 

  "The WARR was apparently surprised and damaged by a Spanish warship
  during the station's fund-raising drives," Calish said.  "We recovered
  a hold full of goblets, tote bags, and the like, all embossed with the
  ARR call letters in gold leaf - gold stolen at musket-point from the
  tall-masted plunder ships, long lost in the wide sea - a dreadful place,
  where seaweed grows on long-abandoned ships, and the bones of the dead
  bleach under an infernal sun!"

  Flipping back his eyepatch, Calish added, "Many of the ship's supply of
  'recordes,' 'danse-traques,' and 'seven-inches' were of Spanish make, and
  we surmise that the ship was illegally playing these discs.  Such an act
  would have enraged the Spanish Chief DJ, Hernando Villacruz de Andujar
  Sebastian de la Camino Cruz Blanca. He had orders from the King of Spain
  to keep the scandalous, but popular, song 'She of the Tender Wide Thighs'
  from the airwaves, which of course the WARR ignored at its peril.  She
  was sunk- sunk by the scurvy dog minions of the Spanish king!"

  Additional evidence, corroborated by documents from the official Casada
  archives, suggests that the pirate DJ with the highest ratings was one
  'DJ Long J Silva,' who in 1687 coined the catchphrase "Throw ye hands
  in the aire!" and also invented the concept of "ye home-boys."

  Not everyone is impressed with Calish's discovery.  "The whole thing is
  an obvious fraud," said University of Nanny Professor of Radio Science
  Damien Delacosta.  "Radio as we know it wasn't invented until recently
  by a wizard.  Calish's assertions are ludicrous.  And the way he talks
  during his lectures drives me batty."

  Calish is more than aware of Delacosta's accusations.  "Aye, 'tis true
  that radio is not more than a century old," said Calish, stooping close
  to this reporter, leaning on his peg leg, and walking the plank. "Yet that
  nae stopped the pirates of the good ship WARR!  Instead of using
  conventional guild objects or club lines to transmit sound, these
  courageous pirates of the 1690s used a complicated system of flags,
  small children, and pieces-of-eight to the same end." 

  "Arr!" is all Delacosta had to say in response.
>
> read page 6
You read page 6 in your newspaper.

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 6    ---

** Greetings; the NannyMUD Times is here with Dagoth, newly promoted
   exalted wizard.  For those of us who don't know you very well, we'd
   like to go over some general Dagoth-history.

** When did you start playing Nanny?

Dagoth says: I think it was sometime -96.
Dagoth says: Spring -96, to be more accurate.
Dagoth says: I was dragged into the computer hall by a friend of mine, since
             we had a lot of time to kill, not many lectures and so on.
Dagoth says: He introduced me to Nanny, and Simyarins.
Dagoth says: And I started playing, and soon got to choose a school.
Dagoth says: My friend (Aldraahn, for those of you who might remember him) was
             a chaos sim, and encouraged me to join his school.

Dagoth says: But I wasn't very interested in chaos; the weavers of light, the
             telemetry simyarin, seemed much more interesting.
Dagoth says: And I spent a couple of months playing Dagoth before I started
             (the first of soon to be many) another character.

** When and why did you wiz?

Dagoth says: I'm not sure when I wizzed, but at least a year ago.  I'll send
             my little daemon on a run to see if he can find some information.
Dagoth says: And as to why I wizzed, after a while of roaming the world, I
             got interested in creating my own piece of land, my own realm.
Dagoth says: So I started questing and picked Dagoth, as the old spellcaster's
             powers had diminished as time had passed.
Dagoth says: I found it rather hard to quest as a simyarin, not to mention
             getting experience, and did a little bit of guild hopping in the
             end.
Dagoth says: I played druids, monks and finally wizzed in knights (as, I must
             admit, that's where my heart lies).
Dagoth says: I wasn't at the time aware I could easily join any guild I wanted,
             once I became an immortal.

**  How long did it take until you opened your area?

Dagoth says: Due to many reasons, it took quite a bit of time until I got my
             area up.
Dagoth says: 1. I was a novice at LPC.
Dagoth says: 2. I started out with a  too high ambitions, and it got too
             much.  I had to start all over, with a smaller project.
Dagoth says: But after 5-6 months I opened my area, I think.
Dagoth says: Originally it opened up adjecenting Silencer's area, and briefly
             closed as his area (as well as he himself, sadly) was removed.
Dagoth says: Then as I reopened it, I was finished with a couple of new parts.
Dagoth says: And now it has grown considerably.

** What projects do you have in mind for the future?

Dagoth says: I'm always trying to make my area as logical as possible.
Dagoth says: Thus, adding and changing things as I find appropriate ways and
             means to do so.
Dagoth says: And, of course, there's a quest coming, but I'm not going to put
             a deadline on that, because I don't want the pressure of having
             one.  It will open when it opens.

** And onto more current events, what do you think about your recent
   promotion to Exalted/Level 28?

Dagoth says: Well, what can I say?  There's a saying, "elevate to educate."
Dagoth shrugs.
Dagoth says: I'm honoured to be considered promising, and I'm glad if I could
             contribute to the mud.
Dagoth says: This position is primarily a trial position, for the admin to
             see how and where I can be of use to them.
Dagoth says: To put it succintly, they have their eyes on me, and if they
             like what they see, I might be promoted to high wizard.

** Why do you think you were picked for this position?

Dagoth says: Because I am local.  I will be around for a long time (as things
             are right now).

** Is there anything you'd specifically like to do or be responsible for
   as admin?

Dagoth says: It has been brought up that I should assist the high wizards in
             charge of new areas.
Dagoth says: A task which I think would suit me, and it sounds quite nice.
Dagoth says: But we'll see.

** Do you think you're being groomed to replace another admin who may
   retire soon?

Dagoth says: No, I don't think so.
Dagoth says: Not at the present time, at least.

** Do you have any plans to code or maintain a guild?

Dagoth says: I have quite a few irons in the fire when it comes to guilds,
             but it's a calm fire.
Dagoth says: I'm planning on coding a guild with Eleanor. I started playing
             Nanny with her, and we've remained good friends since. That
             guild is remaining secret for now, though.
Dagoth says: I've also volunteered to assist Hans and Barbarella in their
             recode of the Damned guild. I'm only an assistant guildhead now,
             since my position is primarily to be ready to be full guildhead
             when they move on.

** Any final comments?

Dagoth says: No, I can't think of anything to say.

** Thanks for your time.

Dagoth bows graciously.


** This is a supplementary interview with Dagoth, who was promoted from
   Exalted to High after the previous interview.

** How long were you at level 28 (exalted)?

Dagoth says: I was promoted High wizard 10 days after I got elevated to
             Exalted  wizard (level 28).

** Do you think that 10 days is a reasonable amount of time to evaluate
   someone for highwiz potential, or do you feel that you were rushed up
   to highwiz?
Dagoth says: I figured by your first question that you would go on to this.
             And no, I don't think ten days would be enough to evaluate a
             wizard's potential. But I don't think they used ten days either.
             Just because I was elevated to Exalted so shortly before I
             became High doesn't mean they just then thought of me in the
             position of High wizard.
Dagoth says: The Exalted status is just a formality, I guess.
Dagoth says: I mean, would they make someone Exalted without thinking of that
             person as an admin?
Dagoth says: I think they have a little more to go on before doing such.

** Has the rest of the administration assigned you any responsibilities
   yet, or are you just helping out where they need you?

Dagoth says: As for now I am aiding Thargor with area approvals. But as I am
             yet again a newbie, this time with a little more powers than last
             time I was a newbie. I will not take on any great
             responsibilities, until I am more settled in, until I've filled
             my shoe, so to speak.

** Thanks for your time.

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 7    ---


 The pk log this week is a log without a death. The log is made by the
 Potential Leper Messiah Groke. Please note that Groke is not wielding a
 weapon, and not using any guild powers at all. Snuttegumma is not wielding
 a weapon, but using her guild powers as much as possible.

 Snuttegumma is druid rank 6 of 8. Of the attack spells she can use, "blast"
 does not work against players, so "spores" will have to do. Snuttegumma is
 casting spores as often as is possible. After the guild-based attacks, the
 damage has been added, for easy reading.


Snuttegumma tells you: we just tested spores, out of 4, 3 did zero damage,
            one did 3 hp
You are in a large open grassy place just south of the village church, which

dominates the scene. The main village lies over to the east and Ingis lane
leads off south. To the west is a hump-backed bridge crossing a wide river,
and beyond that untamed wilderness.
It is afternoon; the sun hangs high in the sky.
  There are four obvious exits: west, east, north and south.
Alis the vampire (nice).
Jose the apprentice Daemon Prince of Khorne (good).
A fine but cracked statue of Oriole.
pknr
The number of pkers logged on right now is:
Members    : 4
Non-members: 0
LD-pkers   : 0
Snuttegumma arrives.
Snuttegumma grabs some mould spores from her leather pouch and hurls them at
you.

(* 7*)

** HP: 195/202   SP: 166/202
** Snuttegumma is in undamaged shape.
unwield arm
You are not wielding it.
Jose grins evilly.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You grazed Snuttegumma.
** HP: 191/202   SP: 166/202
** Snuttegumma is in undamaged shape.
Snuttegumma grazed you.
You grazed Snuttegumma.
** HP: 193/202   SP: 166/202
** HP: 193/202   SP: 168/202
Snuttegumma missed you.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
Snuttegumma grabs some mushroom spores from her leather pouch and hurls them
at you.

(*0*)

Snuttegumma missed you.
You grazed Snuttegumma.
** HP: 190/202   SP: 168/202
** Snuttegumma is in superior shape.
Snuttegumma grazed you.
You hit Snuttegumma.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You grazed Snuttegumma.
** HP: 188/202   SP: 168/202
** Snuttegumma is in superior shape.
Snuttegumma tickled you in the stomach.
You grazed Snuttegumma.
** HP: 184/202   SP: 168/202
** Snuttegumma is in superior shape.
Snuttegumma grazed you.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
Snuttegumma grabs some mould spores from her leather pouch and hurls them at
you.

(*2*)

** HP: 182/202   SP: 168/202
** Snuttegumma is in superior shape.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You hit Snuttegumma.
** HP: 184/202   SP: 168/202
** Snuttegumma is in very good shape.
** HP: 184/202   SP: 170/202
** Snuttegumma is in very good shape.
** HP: 179/202   SP: 170/202
** Snuttegumma is in very good shape.
Snuttegumma hit you.
You hit Snuttegumma.
Snuttegumma grabs some mushroom spores from her leather pouch and hurls them
at you.

(*0*)

Snuttegumma missed you.
You hit Snuttegumma.
** HP: 177/202   SP: 170/202
** Snuttegumma is in very good shape.
Snuttegumma tickled you in the stomach.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
Snuttegumma grabs some mushroom spores from her leather pouch and hurls them
at you.

(*0*)

Snuttegumma missed you.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You missed.
Snuttegumma grabs some mushroom spores from her leather pouch and hurls them
at you.
** HP: 164/202   SP: 170/202

(*13*)

** Snuttegumma is in very good shape.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You grazed Snuttegumma.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
Snuttegumma grabs some mould spores from her leather pouch and hurls them at
you.

(*2*)

** HP: 162/202   SP: 170/202
** Snuttegumma is in good shape.
Snuttegumma tickled you in the stomach.
You hit Snuttegumma.
Snuttegumma grabs some mushroom spores from her leather pouch and hurls them
at you.

(*15*)

** HP: 147/202   SP: 170/202
** Snuttegumma is in good shape.
Snuttegumma missed you.
You tickled Snuttegumma in the stomach.
n
You are in the local village church.
There is a huge pit in the centre and a door in the west wall. There is also
a clock on the wall. This church has the service of reviving ghosts. Dead
people come to the church and pray. This is a holy place and you feel safe
here.
There is an exit south and a back door leads north.
  There are four obvious exits: west, east, north and south.
Rain the adventurer (good).
Dethor the newly contagious leper (evil).
A small note marked 'About NannyMUD'.
** HP: 149/202   SP: 170/202
** HP: 149/202   SP: 172/202
tell snuttegumma you rock me, I have no chance
** HP: 149/202   SP: 167/202
You told Snuttegumma: you rock me, I have no chance
You no longer have a headache.
** HP: 151/202   SP: 167/202
** HP: 151/202   SP: 169/202
tell snuttegumma rot is nothing compared to spores
** HP: 151/202   SP: 164/202
You told Snuttegumma: rot is nothing compared to spores
 
 
 During the 18 rounds the battle took place, Snuttegumma could throw spores
 8 times. Considering that one of the eight was the initial attack, and one
 came only one round from the end, it seems like druids can cast their spores
 less than once every other round. A leper can rot once every round, a knight
 can attack with the falcon every round.
 
 Groke's rot (which is not the best it can become) averages around 25-30 hp
 in damage when tested on Snuttegumma. Snuttegumma's spores (not counting the
 first four where three did 0 damage, and one did 3), in this log do an
 average damage very close to 5. Also notable is that three of the attacks
 in the log did 0 damage.
 
 This means that Snuttegumma will have to cast 5 spores, taking 10+ rounds,
 to deal the damage that Groke can deal in one round.
 
 From "dhelp rules", the druid guild's own help:
 "Note: Habitual player killing is also unacceptable within the guild."

 To actually kill a player once, the druid would have to cast 41 spores,
 provided the player has maximised con, without being a paragon. The only
 chance a player will stand still for the 82 rounds it would take to cast
 these spores would be either lack of a brain or lack of a link. Players
 who are capable of logging on are too smart to stand still for 82 rounds,
 which leaves us with linkless players. If we disregard the minor problem of
 the druid actually surviving 82 rounds of fighting, this means that a druid,
 at least in theory, actually can kill someone.

 Whether we will see enough linkless non-statued playerkillers around for a
 druid to make it habitual playerkilling remains to be seen.


>
> read page 8
You read page 8 in your newspaper.

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 8    ---

  The following people were married since the last issue.

 September was married to Spiceme by Aleea Thu Dec 31 01:52:46 1998
 Una was married to Leriam by Aishiteru Fri Jan  1 18:45:18 1999
 Casca was married to Morq by Aishiteru Sat Jan  2 06:51:00 1999
 Kull was married to Juliette by Lys Sun Jan  3 10:19:43 1999
 Layla was married to Crash by Ferrodor Sun Jan  3 11:21:24 1999
 Khadgar was married to Darion by Darion Mon Jan  4 04:20:40 1999
 Stormer was married to Satanic by Lwaxana Tue Jan  5 10:46:37 1999
 Skippy was married to Siah by Michel Mon Jan 11 06:04:40 1999
 Toffee was married to Titleist by Titleist Tue Jan 12 19:51:04 1999
 Unikhorne was married to Dia by Karzak Fri Jan 15 12:34:06 1999
 Argath was married to Dreamtime by Mindeye Fri Jan 15 22:11:44 1999
 Suedama was married to Robroy by Robroy Thu Jan 21 13:08:01 1999
 Westerley was married to Diabolique by Narya Wed Jan 27 17:08:32 1999
 Tigress was married to Lillstrumpa by Lys Thu Jan 28 09:17:55 1999
 Lorretta was married to Xeric by Pollux Sat Jan 30 07:40:51 1999
 Carloz was married to Zev by Lysander Sun Jan 31 00:44:17 1999
 Toth was married to Andrea by Toth Thu Feb  4 03:03:09 1999
 Gwynnyth was married to Kodesh by Deathjester Thu Feb  4 21:13:15 1999
 Raya was married to Rubicon by Iceberg Sat Feb  6 02:13:54 1999
 Tommyboy was married to Pisces by Lectral Sun Feb  7 22:01:10 1999
 Beril was married to Xina by Aishiteru Mon Feb  8 11:02:01 1999
 Levitan was married to Insomnia by Melee Mon Feb  8 23:50:32 1999
 Tryat was married to Valrhona by Mindeye Wed Feb 10 19:00:17 1999
 Teamo was married to Anduin by Anduin Thu Feb 11 22:47:42 1999
 Icey was married to Icecube by Melee Sun Feb 14 23:26:02 1999
 Ramandu was married to Romana by Ramandu Mon Feb 15 04:56:06 1999
 Michel was married to Alis by Michel Mon Feb 15 13:18:28 1999
 Adon was married to Traxx by Slater Tue Feb 16 01:28:41 1999
 Mats was married to Valentine by Mats Tue Feb 16 21:47:07 1999
 Papyron was married to Pill by Papyron Wed Feb 17 06:02:02 1999
 Decent was married to Jennsan by Moonchild Wed Feb 17 19:37:07 1999
 Xenior was married to Jetadore by Moonchild Wed Feb 17 19:47:18 1999
 Magier was married to Olav by Moonchild Thu Feb 18 23:36:42 1999


 Clank.  Ball and chain, etc.

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 9    ---



  ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19):
   You should stop ordering martinis - you don't like them and people get
   upset each time you spit up and say, "This is awful." Also, stop
   crouching in street corners and  screaming, "I am America's first human
   looking robot! I am just like you except for I am mildly retarded."

  TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20):
   Some people might think that honesty is the best policy, but I think
   Canada's system of universal health care is pretty good too.  I'm sorry
   I had to make that joke.  Go mountain climbing this week.  Bring a bag
   filled with good ideas.  When you get to the top of the mountain, look
   in the bag.  Most likely, you won't find mountain climbing, but

   definitely, you won't find what you friggin' said to me yesterday.
   You should apologize.

  GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):
   You will buy a humidor in which you will keep your cat. At first the cat
   will be happy ... after all, a humidor is full of cigars! Soon, though,
   your cat will die. Remember, torturing animals is wrong, unless it is for
  cosmetic reasons - because worse than a dead cat is an ugly woman.

  CANCER (JUNE 21- JULY 22):
   A quilt, copper and rope.  Skip, blopper, mope.  Crank, banker, coke.
   Stake, stalker, woke.  Dowse, mouser, chose.  Mottle, hotter, haute.
   What's this, naught?  Nope!  You cry, die, spoke.  Dangle, spackle, croak!
   Have you shone?  Stunted, grunted, groan.  Why are you alone?  Tempted,
   dropped, drop.  One last chop.  Drinking, drunk, draught.  (Call Patrick
   at 617-352-6560 if you think this horoscope was off and would like another
   one).

  LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22):
   When a stranger asks you what time it is, don't tell them. Instead, give
   them herpes. This will teach them to be so nosy.

  VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22):
   Someone will tell you that you are ugly.  You tell them that they only
   think that because the media controls their image of beauty.  If they
   still insist that you are ugly, then tell them that the concept "ugly"
   is just a construct of language, and that nothing is inherently beautiful
   or ugly.  If after that they still insist that you are ugly, then you
   should buy my book, How to Live with Being Objectively Ugly.

  LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22):
   The Chinese have a saying: "The French have a saying."  You too have a
   saying, but it's not very good.  Did you actually believe that your
   saying could be as good as those of the Chinese and French combined?
   You should be less arrogant.

  SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21):
   You will develop the mannerisms of a marsupial.  You will begin by
   stuffing small children into your pockets and finish by polishing shoes.
   It's possible that a smart marsupial could do that - and that's what you
   are.

  SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21):
   This week you will fall in love and get married.  There is no joke.
   This horoscope is based on actual astrological data gathered by
   scientists - Canadian midget scientists.  Got you!

  CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19):
   The K.G.B. will come to your house and insist that you are "da bomb."
   You will deny everything.  However, they will manage to prove the
   existence of a supreme being, whether it is Yahweh, Vishnu or Vishweh,
   the God for all seasons.  This will make you look foolish.  You should
   clean your apartment, so at least you don't come off as a slobby heretic.

  AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18):
   I think I love you.  Never mind, it was actually just something on my leg.

  PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20):
   There is a saying from the old country: "He who walks - walks wisely.
   He who runs in place.  Hi, Papa.  Salad?"  But in that country, they
   have a saying from their old country, and it goes like this: "Monkeys in
   camouflage are not what they appear to be, thanks to the camouflage."
   And in that old country, they have no feet.

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 10   --
high rank. He found himself in the church thinking, you
know, this is it, my life is over. I will NEVER get that
high up again. It's just not gonna happen. And then he says
Lars spoke to him. It sounds all cheesy but it's true. Lars
said to him that He had let him die to teach him humility
and the hollowness of worldly affairs. So off he went and
became a monk. He's a good one, too.

So we still hang around in those parties, collecting XP and
gold. I slap spells on fighters, he feeds me SP and heals
those knights and khornes' sorry asses. And we still have
plenty of time for us: I do some spells now and then, he
does some heals every few seconds, but we have lots of time
to whisper words of love to one another. I've got some logs,
if you want to see them. No? Well, OK. Anyway, we're getting
married on Valentine's Day: feel free to come. We want the
world to know how happy we are.

---

The ad:
| SF Vampire. Looking for someone fleshy. Want to lose
| weight? They say the first thing you lose when you diet is
| water, and they also say that blood is thicker than water.
| Let's test that theory.

The story:

Yeah, I guess you could say I had some success with the ad.
I have never fed so well in my life. Heh.

But there were a couple of problems in paradise: for one
thing, I was getting FAT. I mean REALLY fat. I was also all
bloated all the time. You could practically hear me sloshing
as I walked, all that blood. Even I was getting a little
grossed out.

Another thing was this: do you know what kind of people WANT
to be sucked dry? These were weird people, really odd. They
would just follow me around, kind of whimpering, begging to
be punished, to be left a dry, empty husk, because they
deserved it. Then they'd go off and heal up and come back
all rosy-cheeked and beg for some more. For a while I was,
again, just in heaven.

But then it all got a little unsatisfying. I suddenly
realized: these are not healthy relationships! These people
are allowing me to go around and live for the moment, yeah.
But when do they say to me, "Hey, I like you for who you
are?" Never. When do they say, "You know, I know you're a
better person than you're acting like. You can do better
than this?" Not once. When do they say, "Hey, you know,
there's a reason why it's insulting to call someone a
'blood-sucker?'" Uh-uh. I was in a rut, and they were just a
pack of codependents, enabling my destructive behavior. I
was a blood junkie. I hit rock bottom.

But then I got some help. Those monks are really nice, even
if they are a little preachy, but you know that there's
nothing like a good blessing to scare the demons out of you.
It took a lot of blessings, and yeah, I backslid a few
times, but I'm OK now. I really am just a straight
adventurer now--no, really, I am. Hey, it's hurtful to me
when you back off like that. I worked hard to get where I
am, and you should try to accept me for who I am now: clean
and sober. I don't do that stuff any more.

Anyway, I met this nice chef and we're kinda getting along
OK. You know, I never knew how much I missed a good
rat-entrail stew or orc-head punch. We try to eat healthy--I
can't take too much heavy food after all those years of a
liquid diet, and he's watching his cholesterol. I think
it'll work, yeah. Thanks for asking.

---

The ad:

| SWM adventurer hey i keep hearign abt 'mudsex' what is
| it???? where can i get some???? are there any dirty
| pictures on this mud???? send responce fast mom may come
| in any minute and i need to get my pants back OH CRAP

The story:

You stay away from my son! I don't know where this
"Linkoping" place is and I don't care! The things you
do here are against the LAW and we will not stand for
it in this community!

---

The ad:

| SM chef. Looking for good eater, pref. one who can kill
| own main dish: knight, kitten, dark, Cthulhu cultist,
| druid, monk, etc. You kill, I cook, we all get guild
| points.

The story:

You know, it's amazing how many people you meet who are
really happy to have their own portable healing machine with
them. In a way, I think people prefer chefs to monks,
because it's more interesting to have gourmet food all the
time, even though it's not as fast as healing herbs.

But after a while, this sort of thing started to pale. I
started to feel like a crock pot on legs. Kill, kill, cook,
cook, eat, mmm, good. But after a while, people wouldn't
even say thanks. They just figured I was getting guild
points, so what did I care? They just never realized that
this is my art. I love cooking. But there are some people
who think it's mechanical or that good food doesn't really
touch the soul like music or books. People even think more
of wine than of food! And alcohol kills brain cells, too.
What sort of art form is that?

So, to make a long story short, I started drifting away from
other people just because I felt even more isolated and
alone when I was fighting in parties. I became very
introverted. I'd go out and kill sheep and make nice
haunches of mutton. I'd find some rabbits and make stew.
When I could manage it, I'd kill a shark--some good eating
on a shark. But I started going kind of overboard, making
the richest food I could. You know how oily dwarf meat is?
You don't want to know. And hobbits, they're just like a big
ball of butter. And it was all so good, melted in your
mouth. But I was getting really overweight, and I started
felling pretty unhealthy. So I went to the surgeon in
Padrone's, and he told me, hey, yours veins are just about
solid plaque. You gotta stop doing this or one day, whoof,
you'll just keel over.

So I started going for leaner meats, for lean fish, for
chicken and eagles, for vegetables. Some of those tough
little monsters are pretty lean--like the goblins--and the
meat is tough, but it was a challenge to see what kind of
low-fat but really tasty food I could make. For a while, I
had this thing for one of the monks--she and I talked about
herbs, mostly--but the real woman for me is a reformed
vampire. She wants to live clean and she likes my cooking.
She appreciates me for who I am, and I think she's the
bravest woman I know--I don't think I could've kicked the
habit she had. I think she's the one for me, really. I'll
pop the question on February 14th, and if she says yes, I'll
let you know.

---

The ad:

| SM monk, looking for couple. It's against my vows to
|indulge myself in the erotic joys of the flesh, but Lars
| never said I couldn't watch. I promise not to have
| lascivious thoughts. I just want to show my respect for
| Lars' workmanship, for He made nothing that is ugly in His
| eyes, and I want to show my devotion to Him by praising
| _all_ of His works. DISCRETION IS A MUST.

The story:

You know, I hadn't ever really thought that much about that
side of life. It's something we school ourselves not to
think about too much. But after a while I became curious,
because after all everything _is_ the work of Lars, and so I
thought I'd see for myself what it was like.

Yes, I got many, many responses. Some of the young people
wanted me to participate, and I of course said no; some
wanted me to defile myself as I watched, and again I said
no. However, there was one good suggestion I did take up: I
used to be a bit of an artist while I was in school, and so
when some pretty young girl suggest I bring some brushes,
ink, and paper, I was intrigued. Pretty soon I was better
than ever at doing figure sketches on the fly and I produced
quite a collection.

Well, I've been thinking. I'm not so sure Lars actually
meant that we monks couldn't indulge in the pleasures of the
flesh so much as that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be
drawn by them away from contemplation of Him. I've only
tentatively been practicing this, you know; I know I'm
treading on dangerous ground and it's only through prayer
that I can keep to the true path. But I think that sexual
intercourse can actually be a means to find the spiritual
truth within--as a means of meditation, if you will, on the
glories of Lars' creation. I'm taking my better drawings and
producing a nice little tract outlining this theory. You can
include it in your little newspaper if you like. You're
welcome.

---

The ad:

| S leper (not sure what gender I am any more), looking for
| other S leper. Maybe between us we'll have enough parts
| for one complete person. Let's make the beast with
| one back.

The story:

Look, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I met someone, but
... well, it's like this. It's hard to meet someone who
understands what it's like to live with a chronic disease
like this, and s/he could, for obvious reasons. It was
great. I thought things were going really well for us.

But then things started to fall apart--literally. It's my
fault, really. I started taking too much from the
relationship. Y'know, like "Honey, can I use both knees
today? I've got a PK match on the green. Honey, I'd really
appreciate it if I had a full set of ribs today--I want to
look my best for that party. Honey, do you think I look
better with your hair or mine?" No wonder s/he got annoyed
with me. Well, things deteriorated on all levels. I think we
were both starting to lose our minds a little--well, I know
I was, 'cause it was always on my pillow in the morning.

Finally, s/he left. S/he broke my heart. I mean literally!
As s/he was leaving, s/he just ripped it right out of my
chest. I'm empty inside now. I dunno. Maybe I should look
for a nice Cthulhu cultist who can rip me out a new heart to
replace the one I've lost. Anyone out there who wants to help?

---

[Polar]

The ad:

| SF Cthulhu cultist. Looking for someone for whom the
| spiritual life is the most important thing, gender not
| important. Must be willing to put your life in my hands
| and open your heart. Cthulhu is coming. Are you ready?

The story:

Well, yeah, I did meet some people through the ad. The
problem was this--they were all monks! They were all trying
to convert ME. Somehow or other they thought I wanted to
join these prayer groups and start coming to their stupid
masses. Didn't I say I was already part of an organized
religion? Like I'd want to pray to that stupid Lars anyway.
Then I'd finally get them off alone and try to get down to
business and then they'd either LET me kill them--I mean,
what fun is that?--while telling me that they forgave me. Or
they'd start praying to Lars and do all these healing spells
on themselves. I could hack at them all day and it didn't
matter. That's no fun, either.

Then there was this leper who kept coming around and asking
me to rip him out a new heart. I just don't have time for
that romantic crap, so I tried to rip his out, but all I got
was this handful of gunk. Yuck.

So I don't know. The only thing I can think is that I'm just
too, too GOOD for this world. I mean, I know my alignment
says I'm evil, but really, when it's LARS people pray to,
then it's FINE to be spiritual. When it's CTHULHU, though,
everyone's all like eeek, that's gross. I think I might just
pick the solitary life and forget about finding someone,
just focus on my spiritual development. Want to help me
ou--OK, fine, BE that way. See if I put in a good word with
Cthulhu for YOU.

---

The ad:

| S Druid. Willing to change gender, age, whatever, for
| right person. I really like sex and I really like to talk
| about it. My tree is nice and warm and I've got a woody.
| Drill me a knothole, baby.

The story:

Did the personals work? Did the personals WORK? Haven't you
got EYES, woman? Look around you at all these wonderful,
excellent ... mmm. Well, for instance: c'mere, baby.
Smmmmmmooooch. Isn't she gorgeous? Aren't you my widdle
sugarpwum. Yes, you are! Ooh, yeah. Mmm. Oh, that feels
good--keep that idea on hold, sweetheart, gotta talk to this
lady here. Yeah, maybe she will join us if we're lucky, hah?
Wink wink nudge nudge!


Oooh, look at little my two little boy toys sitting over
there on the couch. You like them? You look like a woman who
likes the little hot-blooded cute ones. Me, I like 'em with
FIRM b--yeah? Nah, I swing both ways--read the ad. Yeah, you
two c'mere, too. Snug snug snuggle. Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm
feeling hot. Oooooh. Yeeaaaah. That's--

Hey, where are you going?

---

The ad:

| SF member of darks' guild. Photophobic. ISO other
| creatures of the night. Hang with me and you won't ever
| want to turn the lights on. No morning people.

The story:

Ow! I thought you could let yourself see in the dark or
something. There, that's better. Yeah, I did find
someone--he's over here somewhere. Hey! Babe! HelLO!

Oh, crap, I think he's dead again. Crud. I wonder what I did
this time?

Oh, well. He's probably at the church getting resurrected.
When he comes back, maybe we can have a threesome. No, no!
Not with you! Me, him, and his corpse--

Well, if you're going to be like THAT, I don't see why you
bothered asking me. Geez. What do you THINK people do in
their bedrooms?

---

The ad:

| SM Khorne. Looking for traditional SF with a twist: one
| who understands that my job comes first and doesn't want
| XP/QP for herself, but also one who can soften up big
| kills and doesn't shy away from blood (healing skills a
| BIG plus). Are you woman enough?

The story:

Y'know, life is funny. I really thought I wanted someone
like the ad asked for. But I only got a couple of responses
to the ad and none of them worked for me. The chemistry was
off or something.

So I said fine, whatever, forget the woman, I can do this by
myself, skulls for Khorne, blood for the blood god, kill
kill kill, went on like that for weeks--and then it
happened. I was planning on taking that stupid Pet down a
notch or two and then as I got there, boom, this party comes
along--and this drop-dead gorgeous knightess was in it. I
immediately forgot about my kill ratio, that's how much I
was just so like "WOW" for this woman. They joined me to the
party and man, did I make sure I did my part, made sure she
could see me doing my thing. That was the worthiest kill I
ever slaughtered. Then she said, "Attack, gotta go"--and
she didn't even want the treasure! I never met a knight like
that. They say they're all honor, but no, I think that glory
thing is more important to most of them. Yeah, I know, but
if the other knights don't like it they can meet me at the
green and I'll kick their collective ass--AGAIN. Yeah.

Anyway, I sent her a tell saying yo, that was good, let's
you and me team up again. That was pretty much it. She and
I, we're a team. We're so good we don't need to worry about
who gets this XP and who gets that gold--we're just swimming
in it. And she's taught me a lot of stuff, about honor and
all that. She's the best knight I know and when she says
those things, they mean something. And I'm trying to work
with all that. We party and split everything right down the
middle. It's, what's that word--yeah, egalitarian, that's
it. We're tight like _this_. And we're keeping our levels
and QP the same, so that when it comes time, we'll ascend to
wizardhood together. Oh, yeah.

---

The ad:

| SM hunter, looking for pioneer woman. Good provider: I can
| kill 'em and skin 'em and sell the pelts for good money,
| and I can put a roof over our heads with my own two hands.
| Expect no less from partner. Let's live off the land and
| sing together under the stars.

The story:

Yes, I met someone through your column. She's a good
Lars-fearing woman and she sure does know how to knock
together a homestead. Couldn't be happier, we couldn't. I
never found anyone like her before. Hmph. The problem with a
lot of women is that they're not willing to do the nasty,
bloody work of maintaining a household. Well, then again,
the trouble with a lot of men is that they think things like
cooking and sewing are "women's work." Well, she and I, we
know better.

Say, you're putting this in the newspaper? Well, hmm. Y'see,
she and I are thinking of putting together a little
community out in the woods east of Vincent's castle, out
near the guild. Yeah. It'll be clean and neat and simple.
We'll need a couple of monks to keep us thinking about the
right things, but mostly we just want hunters. Any vampires
or darks or Khornes or what have you that come by, we'll
show them what's what. But if you're a good, clean-living
hunter, you come out to that forest. If you've got
woodcraft, you'll be able to find us.

---

The ad:

| SF Kitten. Looking for SM philosopher/poet, one who
| understands that the most important thing in life is
| balance and that to make an omelette you have to break a
| few eggs (and/or heads). You must have the brains to
| discuss theory and the balls to put the theory into
| practice. If you're all of these, my specialization
| will be making you purr.

The story:

What? Huh? Find anyone? Oh. Yeah, that. Look, I just don't
care about that. My life was the Kitten's. I did everything
for him. But the Kitten's not around now. I don't know where
he went! The Kitten left me! What did I do? Have you seen
him? Where is the Kitten? Oh, Kitten, why have you forsaken
me?

It must be something I did ... the Kitten knows best. I must
have disturbed the Theory. I must have thrown a wrench in
the works ... I'm just no good. Maybe the Theory would do
better if I threw myself off Suicide Tower. I'd do it, if
the Kitten told me to. You believe me, don't you?

 ... What? Find someone? Oh, sure. Yeah, I did. But they're
gone now. When the Kitten's around, everyone's your friend.
Give me hit points, they say. Can you do this kill for me,
they say. Help me, they say. But the Kitten's gone now. All
my "friends" are gone now, too.

The Kitten must be testing me. It's like that guy who went
into the desert for all those days. Who? Yeah, whatever.
That guy. Maybe I'll just go into the desert and wait until
the Kitten comes to me again. I will be faithful. He will
see that I have not given up faith and he'll come back. I
know it.

---

The ad:

| SM master ISO other members of my guild. Failing that, ISO
| slave. Worship me (please)!

The story:

Yeah, that was a mistake. You see, I'm a master, and there
are just NO women around here who appreciate that. They
don't take orders. They don't appreciate what a man is and
what a man needs. They're not grateful enough for the way we
let them serve us. We don't have to. Look at me, I get along
FINE without them, the lousy no-good b--

Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know, that's what's wrong with the
mud these days? Women like YOU. I don't know why they let
women become wizards. Yeah? And what are you gonna DO about
it, girlie? Oh, right, you don't have the GUTS to za


VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL: The personals: do they really work?

This month the _Times_ goes back and talks to some of the
people who placed ads in the December 1998 issue of the
_Times_. While all received a response, not all had the same
experience on their dates.

Read on for the sometimes touching, sometimes funny, and
sometimes downright scary stories these warriors of the
heart have to tell. (No names given to protect the
lovelorn.)

---

The ad:

| SWM, knight, looking for his lady fair. Must be young and
| as beautiful as sun above, paler than moon, slender as
| beech and with hair spun of gold. Must be princess
| (preferably only child of elderly monarch and stand to
| inherit kingdom forthwith). ABSOLUTELY MUST BE VIRGIN (must
| pass unicorn test). Prefer princess be trapped in tower by
| at least one dragon and poss. by orcs, trolls and/or
| bandits. No commoners.

The story:

Well, y'know, I did get a lot of responses, but most of them
I could throw out right away. I mean, Princess Buttercup?
Give me a break. And then there were some responses from
real princesses, but, well, I specifically said "lady FAIR"
and "YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL as sun above." I mean, the
paler-than-the-moon thing I could be flexible on, but not on
the essentials. They say beauty is in the eye of the
beholder, but man, they never beheld these women! I mean,
one of them must have been like 23! You call that "young?"

Huh? How old am I? I'm 22. No, I'm way young. Men age
differently. I won't really be in the prime of my life until
I'm like 55 or something.

Anyway, so these women were just not up to snuff. But I
FINALLY found one who looked like she was OK. She had, like,
credentials and stuff. She was even being held prisoner some
of the time by this dragon--I think it was the guy down the
road's and she and her dad were renting it, but still, it
was a dragon. But, well, how do I put this ...

Well, OK, I said "must be virgin," right? That was like a
MUST. And to be honest, I didn't have a unicorn. No, no, I
thought I had a lead on one for a while, but it got away or
something. Man, those things are hard to find! Anyway, I did
sort of have a uni-horn, if you get my drift, and I thought
I could, like, verify the virgin thing for myself--

--Hey, pal, you want your head cleft asunder? That was MOST
honorable. I had to be sure, right? I couldn't, like, marry
a slut! And yeah, duh!, of COURSE I would have married her
then. Like MAJOR duh. DUH duh!

ANYway, it didn't matter. See, she did have this real pretty
golden hair, but as soon as I kinda got close to the
virgin-verification thing--and I might add she was pretty
willing to get to that stage, which made ME pretty
suspicious--well, lemme put this way: collar and cuffs did
NOT match.

Yeah, I know I said I could be easy on the pale-as-moon
thing, and I probably coulda swung hair-black-as-night or
something. But the thing that got me was that she LIED to
me. Hey! A woman who lies about her hair color will lie
about anything, believe me. So at that point, I was like no,
this is not working, and I packed up my, uh, "lance" and
went. And so I'm still on the market, if any of your
desirable female readers want a REAL man. Yo, ladies!

[Polar]

The ad:

| SWM. Can't tell you my profession, but it starts with "W."
| Looking to play sugar daddy: you give me cheap, mindless
| mudsex and you find out about how the world works. Want to
| get ahead here? Stick with me and you'll be coding your
| own area.
The story:

You're kinda cute. Do you know how this works? Oh, OK, we'll
have an "interview." That's a new one on me, but hey, I like
it.

So how do we do this? Let me guess--I'll tell you what I'm
wearing. I'm sitting here in front of the keyboard wearing
just my underwear. I'm a boxers man.

That's not what you wanted to know? Ahhh, you're a fast one!
OK: 20 cm by 6 in diameter. Really. And it's all for--

You know, you are just no good at this. I do not see how you
EVER wizzed with that attitude. Goodbye.

---

The ad:

| S Simyarin. Have fetish for the letter "k": ISO big,
| strong Kitten/Khorne/knight to defend me from the world.
| I can be whatever gender you need me to be and can glow
| in all the colors of the rainbow.

The story:

Well, y'know, I really thought those fighters were going to
be a lot more ... well, a lot better at their jobs, y'know?
Especially the khornes, who get ejected from their stupid
guild when they die, but all of them, they're always talking
so big ...

Let's just say it was a major disillusionment. All my
friends laughed and laughed when I said I was going to be a
Simyarin: "You better know how to find your way back to the
church from every part of this mud, 'cause you are going to
be DYIN'!" Well, you know what? I have NEVER seen in the
inside of the church so much as after I started seeing these
people.

It was insane. I was just a gopher for these fighters: "Can
you bring me my stuff? Don't let anyone take it! I worked
hard for that!" Yeah, right, like they killed Anubis. They
just got it out of the stupid shareroom.

And healing? I thought it was just Simyarin who had to heal
a lot, but no, we spent half the time racing to and from the
village to suck down firebreathers. Yeah, I know, those guys
kill a lot faster than I do, so they can get a lot more done
between trips to the village or whatever. But, y'know, it
doesn't really matter, 'cause they NEVER REST. EVER. They
always have to killing something. Blood for the blood god!
Skulls for Khorne! The theory needs fed! Oh, no, it's an
attack on Camelot! Look, it's a guild enemy, let's feed its
guts to the vultures! And so there we'd be, killing
something, then it's back to the village or to Caerleon,
then vroom, back we go, over and over again. And then what?
Oops, gotta keep that kill ratio up! Oh, no, the
specialization has changed! Oh, Lars, it's another attack!
It never stopped. I was just so much baggage, slapping
spells on foreheads when I could. Insane. I never had any
time for ME, you know? Never any little gestures of love, no
time for spell practice. Just gogogogogo.

But it's OK now. One of the Khornes I'd seen for a little
while before giving up the fighter thing died at a really
high rank. He found himself in the church thinking, you
know, this is it, my life is over. I will NEVER get that
high up again. It's just not gonna happen. And then he says
Lars spoke to him. It sounds all cheesy but it's true. Lars
said to him that He had let him die to teach him humility
and the hollowness of worldly affairs. So off he went and
became a monk. He's a good one, too.

So we still hang around in those parties, collecting XP and
gold. I slap spells on fighters, he feeds me SP and heals
those knights and khornes' sorry asses. And we still have
plenty of time for us: I do some spells now and then, he
does some heals every few seconds, but we have lots of time
to whisper words of love to one another. I've got some logs,
if you want to see them. No? Well, OK. Anyway, we're getting
married on Valentine's Day: feel free to come. We want the
world to know how happy we are.

---

The ad:

| SF Vampire. Looking for someone fleshy. Want to lose
| weight? They say the first thing you lose when you diet is
| water, and they also say that blood is thicker than water.
| Let's test that theory.

The story:

Yeah, I guess you could say I had some success with the ad.
I have never fed so well in my life. Heh.

But there were a couple of problems in paradise: for one
thing, I was getting FAT. I mean REALLY fat. I was also all
bloated all the time. You could practically hear me sloshing
as I walked, all that blood. Even I was getting a little
grossed out.

Another thing was this: do you know what kind of people WANT
to be sucked dry? These were weird people, really odd. They
would just follow me around, kind of whimpering, begging to
be punished, to be left a dry, empty husk, because they
deserved it. Then they'd go off and heal up and come back
all rosy-cheeked and beg for some more. For a while I was,
again, just in heaven.

But then it all got a little unsatisfying. I suddenly
realized: these are not healthy relationships! These people
are allowing me to go around and live for the moment, yeah.
But when do they say to me, "Hey, I like you for who you
are?" Never. When do they say, "You know, I know you're a
better person than you're acting like. You can do better
than this?" Not once. When do they say, "Hey, you know,
there's a reason why it's insulting to call someone a
'blood-sucker?'" Uh-uh. I was in a rut, and they were just a
pack of codependents, enabling my destructive behavior. I
was a blood junkie. I hit rock bottom.

But then I got some help. Those monks are really nice, even
if they are a little preachy, but you know that there's
nothing like a good blessing to scare the demons out of you.
It took a lot of blessings, and yeah, I backslid a few
times, but I'm OK now. I really am just a straight
adventurer now--no, really, I am. Hey, it's hurtful to me
when you back off like that. I worked hard to get where I
am, and you should try to accept me for who I am now: clean
and sober. I don't do that stuff any more.

Anyway, I met this nice chef and we're kinda getting along
OK. You know, I never knew how much I missed a good
rat-entrail stew or orc-head punch. We try to eat healthy--I
can't take too much heavy food after all those years of a
liquid diet, and he's watching his cholesterol. I think
it'll work, yeah. Thanks for asking.

---

The ad:

| SWM adventurer hey i keep hearign abt 'mudsex' what is
| it???? where can i get some???? are there any dirty
| pictures on this mud???? send responce fast mom may come
| in any minute and i need to get my pants back OH CRAP

The story:

You stay away from my son! I don't know where this
"Linkoping" place is and I don't care! The things you
do here are against the LAW and we will not stand for
it in this community!

---

The ad:

| SM chef. Looking for good eater, pref. one who can kill
| own main dish: knight, kitten, dark, Cthulhu cultist,
| druid, monk, etc. You kill, I cook, we all get guild
| points.

The story:

You know, it's amazing how many people you meet who are
really happy to have their own portable healing machine with
them. In a way, I think people prefer chefs to monks,
because it's more interesting to have gourmet food all the
time, even though it's not as fast as healing herbs.

But after a while, this sort of thing started to pale. I
started to feel like a crock pot on legs. Kill, kill, cook,
cook, eat, mmm, good. But after a while, people wouldn't
even say thanks. They just figured I was getting guild
points, so what did I care? They just never realized that
this is my art. I love cooking. But there are some people
who think it's mechanical or that good food doesn't really
touch the soul like music or books. People even think more
of wine than of food! And alcohol kills brain cells, too.
What sort of art form is that?

So, to make a long story short, I started drifting away from
other people just because I felt even more isolated and
alone when I was fighting in parties. I became very
introverted. I'd go out and kill sheep and make nice
haunches of mutton. I'd find some rabbits and make stew.
When I could manage it, I'd kill a shark--some good eating
on a shark. But I started going kind of overboard, making
the richest food I could. You know how oily dwarf meat is?
You don't want to know. And hobbits, they're just like a big
ball of butter. And it was all so good, melted in your
mouth. But I was getting really overweight, and I started
felling pretty unhealthy. So I went to the surgeon in
Padrone's, and he told me, hey, yours veins are just about
solid plaque. You gotta stop doing this or one day, whoof,
you'll just keel over.

So I started going for leaner meats, for lean fish, for
chicken and eagles, for vegetables. Some of those tough
little monsters are pretty lean--like the goblins--and the
meat is tough, but it was a challenge to see what kind of
low-fat but really tasty food I could make. For a while, I
had this thing for one of the monks--she and I talked about
herbs, mostly--but the real woman for me is a reformed
vampire. She wants to live clean and she likes my cooking.
She appreciates me for who I am, and I think she's the
bravest woman I know--I don't think I could've kicked the
habit she had. I think she's the one for me, really. I'll
pop the question on February 14th, and if she says yes, I'll
let you know.

---

The ad:

| SM monk, looking for couple. It's against my vows to
|indulge myself in the erotic joys of the flesh, but Lars
| never said I couldn't watch. I promise not to have
| lascivious thoughts. I just want to show my respect for
| Lars' workmanship, for He made nothing that is ugly in His
| eyes, and I want to show my devotion to Him by praising
| _all_ of His works. DISCRETION IS A MUST.

The story:

You know, I hadn't ever really thought that much about that
side of life. It's something we school ourselves not to
think about too much. But after a while I became curious,
because after all everything _is_ the work of Lars, and so I
thought I'd see for myself what it was like.

Yes, I got many, many responses. Some of the young people
wanted me to participate, and I of course said no; some
wanted me to defile myself as I watched, and again I said
no. However, there was one good suggestion I did take up: I
used to be a bit of an artist while I was in school, and so
when some pretty young girl suggest I bring some brushes,
ink, and paper, I was intrigued. Pretty soon I was better
than ever at doing figure sketches on the fly and I produced
quite a collection.

Well, I've been thinking. I'm not so sure Lars actually
meant that we monks couldn't indulge in the pleasures of the
flesh so much as that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be
drawn by them away from contemplation of Him. I've only
tentatively been practicing this, you know; I know I'm
treading on dangerous ground and it's only through prayer
that I can keep to the true path. But I think that sexual
intercourse can actually be a means to find the spiritual
truth within--as a means of meditation, if you will, on the
glories of Lars' creation. I'm taking my better drawings and
producing a nice little tract outlining this theory. You can
include it in your little newspaper if you like. You're
welcome.

---

The ad:
| S leper (not sure what gender I am any more), looking for
| other S leper. Maybe between us we'll have enough parts
| for one complete person. Let's make the beast with
| one back.

The story:

Look, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I met someone, but
... well, it's like this. It's hard to meet someone who
understands what it's like to live with a chronic disease
like this, and s/he could, for obvious reasons. It was
great. I thought things were going really well for us.

But then things started to fall apart--literally. It's my
fault, really. I started taking too much from the
relationship. Y'know, like "Honey, can I use both knees
today? I've got a PK match on the green. Honey, I'd really
appreciate it if I had a full set of ribs today--I want to
look my best for that party. Honey, do you think I look
better with your hair or mine?" No wonder s/he got annoyed
with me. Well, things deteriorated on all levels. I think we
were both starting to lose our minds a little--well, I know
I was, 'cause it was always on my pillow in the morning.

Finally, s/he left. S/he broke my heart. I mean literally!
As s/he was leaving, s/he just ripped it right out of my
chest. I'm empty inside now. I dunno. Maybe I should look
for a nice Cthulhu cultist who can rip me out a new heart to
replace the one I've lost. Anyone out there who wants to help?

---

[Polar]

The ad:

| SF Cthulhu cultist. Looking for someone for whom the
| spiritual life is the most important thing, gender not
| important. Must be willing to put your life in my hands
| and open your heart. Cthulhu is coming. Are you ready?

The story:

Well, yeah, I did meet some people through the ad. The
problem was this--they were all monks! They were all trying
to convert ME. Somehow or other they thought I wanted to
join these prayer groups and start coming to their stupid
masses. Didn't I say I was already part of an organized
religion? Like I'd want to pray to that stupid Lars anyway.
Then I'd finally get them off alone and try to get down to
business and then they'd either LET me kill them--I mean,
what fun is that?--while telling me that they forgave me. Or
they'd start praying to Lars and do all these healing spells
on themselves. I could hack at them all day and it didn't
matter. That's no fun, either.

Then there was this leper who kept coming around and asking
me to rip him out a new heart. I just don't have time for
that romantic crap, so I tried to rip his out, but all I got
was this handful of gunk. Yuck.

So I don't know. The only thing I can think is that I'm just
too, too GOOD for this world. I mean, I know my alignment
says I'm evil, but really, when it's LARS people pray to,
then it's FINE to be spiritual. When it's CTHULHU, though,
everyone's all like eeek, that's gross. I think I might just
pick the solitary life and forget about finding someone,
just focus on my spiritual development. Want to help me
ou--OK, fine, BE that way. See if I put in a good word with
Cthulhu for YOU.

---

The ad:

| S Druid. Willing to change gender, age, whatever, for
| right person. I really like sex and I really like to talk
| about it. My tree is nice and warm and I've got a woody.
| Drill me a knothole, baby.

The story:

Did the personals work? Did the personals WORK? Haven't you
got EYES, woman? Look around you at all these wonderful,
excellent ... mmm. Well, for instance: c'mere, baby.
Smmmmmmooooch. Isn't she gorgeous? Aren't you my widdle
sugarpwum. Yes, you are! Ooh, yeah. Mmm. Oh, that feels
good--keep that idea on hold, sweetheart, gotta talk to this
lady here. Yeah, maybe she will join us if we're lucky, hah?
Wink wink nudge nudge!


Oooh, look at little my two little boy toys sitting over
there on the couch. You like them? You look like a woman who
likes the little hot-blooded cute ones. Me, I like 'em with
FIRM b--yeah? Nah, I swing both ways--read the ad. Yeah, you
two c'mere, too. Snug snug snuggle. Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm
feeling hot. Oooooh. Yeeaaaah. That's--

Hey, where are you going?

---

The ad:

| SF member of darks' guild. Photophobic. ISO other
| creatures of the night. Hang with me and you won't ever
| want to turn the lights on. No morning people.

The story:

Ow! I thought you could let yourself see in the dark or
something. There, that's better. Yeah, I did find
someone--he's over here somewhere. Hey! Babe! HelLO!

Oh, crap, I think he's dead again. Crud. I wonder what I did
this time?

Oh, well. He's probably at the church getting resurrected.
When he comes back, maybe we can have a threesome. No, no!
Not with you! Me, him, and his corpse--

Well, if you're going to be like THAT, I don't see why you
bothered asking me. Geez. What do you THINK people do in
their bedrooms?

---

The ad:

| SM Khorne. Looking for traditional SF with a twist: one
| who understands that my job comes first and doesn't want
| XP/QP for herself, but also one who can soften up big
| kills and doesn't shy away from blood (healing skills a
| BIG plus). Are you woman enough?

The story:

Y'know, life is funny. I really thought I wanted someone
like the ad asked for. But I only got a couple of responses
to the ad and none of them worked for me. The chemistry was
off or something.

So I said fine, whatever, forget the woman, I can do this by
myself, skulls for Khorne, blood for the blood god, kill
kill kill, went on like that for weeks--and then it
happened. I was planning on taking that stupid Pet down a
notch or two and then as I got there, boom, this party comes
along--and this drop-dead gorgeous knightess was in it. I
immediately forgot about my kill ratio, that's how much I
was just so like "WOW" for this woman. They joined me to the
party and man, did I make sure I did my part, made sure she
could see me doing my thing. That was the worthiest kill I
ever slaughtered. Then she said, "Attack, gotta go"--and
she didn't even want the treasure! I never met a knight like
that. They say they're all honor, but no, I think that glory
thing is more important to most of them. Yeah, I know, but
if the other knights don't like it they can meet me at the
green and I'll kick their collective ass--AGAIN. Yeah.

Anyway, I sent her a tell saying yo, that was good, let's
you and me team up again. That was pretty much it. She and
I, we're a team. We're so good we don't need to worry about
who gets this XP and who gets that gold--we're just swimming
in it. And she's taught me a lot of stuff, about honor and
all that. She's the best knight I know and when she says
those things, they mean something. And I'm trying to work
with all that. We party and split everything right down the
middle. It's, what's that word--yeah, egalitarian, that's
it. We're tight like _this_. And we're keeping our levels
and QP the same, so that when it comes time, we'll ascend to
wizardhood together. Oh, yeah.

---

The ad:

| SM hunter, looking for pioneer woman. Good provider: I can
| kill 'em and skin 'em and sell the pelts for good money,
| and I can put a roof over our heads with my own two hands.
| Expect no less from partner. Let's live off the land and
| sing together under the stars.

The story:

Yes, I met someone through your column. She's a good
Lars-fearing woman and she sure does know how to knock
together a homestead. Couldn't be happier, we couldn't. I
never found anyone like her before. Hmph. The problem with a
lot of women is that they're not willing to do the nasty,
bloody work of maintaining a household. Well, then again,
the trouble with a lot of men is that they think things like
cooking and sewing are "women's work." Well, she and I, we
know better.

Say, you're putting this in the newspaper? Well, hmm. Y'see,
she and I are thinking of putting together a little
community out in the woods east of Vincent's castle, out
near the guild. Yeah. It'll be clean and neat and simple.
We'll need a couple of monks to keep us thinking about the
right things, but mostly we just want hunters. Any vampires
or darks or Khornes or what have you that come by, we'll
show them what's what. But if you're a good, clean-living
hunter, you come out to that forest. If you've got
woodcraft, you'll be able to find us.

---

The ad:

| SF Kitten. Looking for SM philosopher/poet, one who
| understands that the most important thing in life is
| balance and that to make an omelette you have to break a
| few eggs (and/or heads). You must have the brains to
| discuss theory and the balls to put the theory into
| practice. If you're all of these, my specialization
| will be making you purr.

The story:

What? Huh? Find anyone? Oh. Yeah, that. Look, I just don't
care about that. My life was the Kitten's. I did everything
for him. But the Kitten's not around now. I don't know where
he went! The Kitten left me! What did I do? Have you seen
him? Where is the Kitten? Oh, Kitten, why have you forsaken
me?

It must be something I did ... the Kitten knows best. I must
have disturbed the Theory. I must have thrown a wrench in
the works ... I'm just no good. Maybe the Theory would do
better if I threw myself off Suicide Tower. I'd do it, if
the Kitten told me to. You believe me, don't you?

 ... What? Find someone? Oh, sure. Yeah, I did. But they're
gone now. When the Kitten's around, everyone's your friend.
Give me hit points, they say. Can you do this kill for me,
they say. Help me, they say. But the Kitten's gone now. All
my "friends" are gone now, too.

The Kitten must be testing me. It's like that guy who went
into the desert for all those days. Who? Yeah, whatever.
That guy. Maybe I'll just go into the desert and wait until
the Kitten comes to me again. I will be faithful. He will
see that I have not given up faith and he'll come back. I
know it.

---

The ad:

| SM master ISO other members of my guild. Failing that, ISO
| slave. Worship me (please)!

The story:

Yeah, that was a mistake. You see, I'm a master, and there
are just NO women around here who appreciate that. They
don't take orders. They don't appreciate what a man is and
what a man needs. They're not grateful enough for the way we
let them serve us. We don't have to. Look at me, I get along
FINE without them, the lousy no-good b--

Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know, that's what's wrong with the
mud these days? Women like YOU. I don't know why they let
women become wizards. Yeah? And what are you gonna DO about
it, girlie? Oh, right, you don't have the GUTS to za

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 11   --

So it's just been Valentine's Day, and either you had someone to cuddle with
or you didn't (unless you had more than one person to cuddle with, I guess).
Perhaps you wondered why we celebrate Valentine's Day, or maybe you wondered
who the Valentine is to whom the day is dedicated. Well, wonder no more!

ROMAN ROOTS OF VALENTINE'S DAY

The simple fact is that no one is altogether sure exactly how St. Valentine
works into things. Valentine's Day as we know it is a a Christian
appropriation of a Roman fertility festival that fell on the 15th of
February. This festival was called the Lupercalia and was associated with
the god Faunus, the Roman version of Pan, who was in part the god of the

fruitfulness of the fields and of flocks of herd-animals (sheep, etc.) and
who was also associated with revelry and abandon. The festival was a bloody
one; the word "Lupercalia" probably derives from "lupus," Latin for "wolf,"
and the festival might have had its origins in the protection of flocks and
fields from wolves. At any rate, the festival began with the sacrifice of a
dog and some goats under the supervision of the Luperci, the priests
associated with the festival. Then two Luperci would have their foreheads
touched with the knife bloodied by the sacrifice, and the blood would be
wiped from their foreheads with wool soaked in milk. Then the two young men
were supposed to laugh. (There were no women at these feasts, so far as I
can tell). After the ensuing feast, the goatskins were cut into strips, and
the feasters would take the strips and run around the Palatine, one of the
seven hills of Rome, whacking women with the strips, which was supposed to
make them fertile. (Whee!)

Sometimes there's a claim that the 14th of February was the date of a
festival in honor of Juno, who was queen of the Roman gods and was usually
associated with all aspects of women's lives, perhaps especially marriage
and childbirth. I can't verify this one readily, though. Another legend
which I'm having trouble verifying was that Roman maidens put their names
on bits of crockery in urns, which were then drawn by unmarried Roman men.
The matched couples then spent a week or so together--some say that they
were encouraged to have sex--in the hopes that they would fall in love and
get married.

None of the sources say why this feast or feasts took place in February, not
usually considered a great time to get naked by those of us in northern
climes. My assumption is that it's because, considering Rome's location,
spring would come fairly early, and mid-February would thus be only a short
time from the initial plowing of the fields in spring. Also, most animals
who mated about this time of year would give birth in the late spring.
Further, in most religions, the fertility of the earth and of other animals
is usually closely associated with human fertility, and such bloody
sacrifices as the Lupercalia were associated with all forms of fertility,
plant and animal.

THE CHRISTIAN TRADITION

Here's where the details get fuzzy. There were two Saint Valentines. One
was a Roman priest and physician and apparently is not the Valentine
associated with the day; the other was a Christian bishop in Terni, who
supposedly is the saint for whom the day is named. Both were killed by the
Roman emperor Claudius II.

The way that St. Valentine supposedly got associated with the day was this:
Claudius II conducted a lot of military campaigns, many of them unpopular.
He therefore had trouble finding men willing to serve. However, Claudius
believed that part of his trouble in recruiting troops was that married
young men were unwilling to leave their wives and families. His solution,
so the story goes, was to forbid marriage. Valentine felt sorry for the poor
young lovers, the story continues, and married couples in secret. Claudius
found out about this and, enraged, ordered the saint-to-be put to death,
and Valentine was martyred on February 14 in about the year 270. The
relation of all of this story to lovers and notes was strengthened by the
legend that Valentine smuggled notes out of prison, the last of which was
to a young woman (possibly the jailor's daughter) and which was signed "From
your Valentine."

Most of this is completely unverifiable, and probably most of it is
fictitious. There were two Christian martyrs named Valentine who were
executed by Claudius, but that's all that's really known. Certainly the
early Christians caused enough trouble for the Roman emperors that Claudius
probably had plenty of excuses to kill Valentine. The rest I can't find any
basis for, and it was common for chroniclers to embroider saints' legends
with every retelling, so this story is probably an attempt to justify the
placement of the feast of Saint Valentine on February 14th.

The deal with _that_ was this: Pope Gelasius decided that the old Lupercalian
feast was too sexy and replaced it in 494 AD with the feast of the
Purification, which falls on the fortieth day after the Nativity. This was
originally held on the 14th of February, but then was moved to February 2
because of changes in the calendar system. Somewhere along the line--some
claim Gelasius did this too--February 14 became the feast day of Saint
Valentine, who had supposedly died on that day and who was the most
appropriate choice for a replacement festival for Lupercalia (remember that
the early church occupied Roman and formerly Roman territory, and had to
deal with the traditions of Roman religion). But the upshot is that the
early church spent a lot of effort turning the gory, explicitly sexual Roman
feasts of mid-February into much chaster, more spiritual days, and it
happened pretty early on (i.e., well before the year 1000 AD).

The paper valentine as we know existed in the 1500s. There's a claim that
Charles, the Duke of Orleans, sent a valentine to his wife in 1415 while he
was imprisoned in the Tower of London, but again this is pure speculation
and probably myth.

SYMBOLS OF VALENTINE'S DAY

ROSE: The rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love.
Red is a color that stands for strong feelings. Not quite coincidentally,
this is why the red rose is a flower of love.

LACE: Lace has traditionally been a symbol of love, probably traced back to
lace handkerchiefs carried by women years ago. If a woman dropped her
handkerchief, a man nearby might pick it up and return it to her. With that
in mind, a woman might see a man she wanted to meet, and deliberately drop
her lace handkerchief to encourage romance. Again, pure speculation and
probably myth.

LOVEBIRDS: There apparently was an old English legend, referred to by Chaucer
and Shakespeare, that birds pick their mates on Valentine's Day.  Doves were
thought to be the favorite birds of Venus, and remain with the same mates
all their lives.  The males and females both care for the young; because
these birds are symbols of loyalty and love, they are also symbols of
Valentine's Day.

HEART SYMBOLS: I can't find where the heart symbol came from. It was used on
playing cards before the year 1400, but where it came from and how it came to
be associated with either the bodily organ or the emotion of love, I can't
tell you. (I can tell you that, according to a doctor who wrote in to Dave
Barry, that the prostate is heart-shaped, though the heart itself of course
is not.)

CUPID: Cupid is the subject of one powerful Greek and Roman myth. Cupid was
the son of Mercury and Venus, the first being the messenger of the gods and
the second being the goddess of love. Cupid in his original incarnation was
an irrestibly beautiful young man. Like his father, he could fly, and like
his mother, he could inspire love--in his case, by shooting his magical
arrows into people (tell me that's not phallic). In one myth, Venus became
jealous of the mortal Psyche, who was so beautiful that people began
comparing her beauty to Venus'. Venus cursed her, in some versions by
keeping anyone from really falling in true love with her and in others by
commanding Cupid to make her fall in love with a horrible man. In all
versions, Cupid fell in love with her and spirited her away to a castle to
keep her out of Venus sight and thus away from her wrath. Cupid did not want
Pysche to know who her guardian was, though, and told Psyche that were he
to reveal his identity he would be forced to leave her (this might have
been enforced by some other god). Cupid came to her only at night and
forbade her to light a lamp in his presence. Psyche was very happy, but
curious (some legends have it that her jealous sisters visited and stirred
up this jealousy), and finally lit a lamp to look upon Cupid as he slept
after their sweet, sweet lovin'. A few drops of burning oil fell on his
shoulder; Cupid awoke and vanished. The myth ends happily, though, for
Cupid's and Psyche's torments were so great that Zeus agreed to make Psyche
immortal so that she and Cupid could live on Mt. Olympus forever in eternal
youth, beauty, and love. The myth is usually assumed to be an allegory of
the conflicts between love and the flesh (Cupid's Greek name was Eros, from
which we get "erotic," etc.) and the mind and soul (Psyche's name means
"soul" in Greek). Cupid was only commonly depicted as a fat little kid
later on, by about the third century B.C.

>
> read page 12
You read page 12 in your newspaper.

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 12   --


 VALENTINE MOUSE

 Materials Needed:

* red & pink construction paper
* scissors
* stapler
* gum - 21,450 sticks of Juicy Fruit
* monkey
* black marker
* white glue
* flat lollipop
* microwave
* 9mm semiautomatic firarm


1) Fold a piece of red construction paper and cut a half heart about 3 1/2
   inches high on the fold. Leave the heart folded to form the body of the
   mouse.
2) Cut a smaller heart from the red paper for the head of the mouse.
3) Cut a slit about halfway up from the point of the heart.
4) Wrap two sides of the slit around to form a cone nose and staple them
   in place.
5) Chew a lot of the gum, and mold the gum around the monkey into a suit.
6) Use a black marker to draw eyes and a nose.
7) Staple the head to the pointed end of the heart body.
Staple the rounded end of the body so that it forms a pocket.
9) Cut a tiny heart from red paper. Write PULL on the heart and glue it to
   the stick end of the lollipop.
10) Cut a heart from the pink paper to cover the lollipop. Write your
    valentine message on this heart and glue it over the wrapper.
11) Tuck the lollipop into the body of the mouse so that the stick end is
    sticking out to form the tail of the mouse.
12) Make a mouse for each of your friends.
13) Microwave the monkey until the suit becomes tough and durable. Test it
    by firing a bullet at the monkey. If the monkey dies, the microwave
    duration was too short.

 VALENTINE CROWN

 Materials Needed:
* paper plate
* red poster paint
* paintbrush
* scissors
* white glue
* newspaper to work on
* conversation heart candies or shiny valentine stickers
* bulletproof radioactive monkey from previous project


1) Cut a slit across the middle of the plate, starting about 1 inch inside
   the outer rim and stopping about an inch inside the rim on the opposite
   side of the plate.
2) Starting in the center of the plate, cut four more slits to create six
   pie-shaped sections.
3) Fold the sections up to make a crown.
4) Paint the plate red on both sides and let it dry.
5) Decorate the crown by gluing conversation hearts or stickers on each
   point.
6) Attach to a bulletproof radioactive monkey.



 VALENTINE PUPPET

 Materials Needed:

* red construction paper
* scissors
* white glue
* four large rubber bands
* newspaper to work on
* markers


1) Cut two hearts the same size from red construction paper. Make them
   bigger than your hand.
2) Cut four 1-inch hearts from the red paper for the puppet's hands and feet.
3) Cut each of the rubber bands so that they form long elastic strings.
4) Glue the rubber bands to the sides and bottom of one of the large hearts
   to form the arms and legs of the puppet.
5) Glue the tops of the two large hearts together with the ends of the
   rubber bands between them. Leave the bottom part open to slip your hand
   in.
6) Glue a small heart to the end of each elastic arm and leg.
7) When the puppet is completely dry draw on a face with markers.

  This happy heart puppet loves to swing its arms and legs around.  Wave it
  in front of the crown-wearing radioactive bulletproof monkey.  At this
  point the happy-heart-puppet-loving crown-wearing radioactive bulletproof
  monkey will demonstrate his love to you, hence showing you the true meaning
  of Valentine's Day.

  Enjoy.
>
> read page 13
You read page 13 in your newspaper.

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 13   --

Lonewolf tells you: This is the obligatory playerquestion for the NannyMUD
         Times.  What did your valentine give you this year?

Oppus replies to you: why?
Dreamcuts tells you: chocolate flower
Mint replies to you: simply nothing..
Bose tells you: syphillis
Johnw tells you: What valentine??
Adon replies to you: u dont want to know grin hehe
Dedoimac replies to you: nothing
Wilhelm tells you: dident have one
Johnw tells you: *laf*
Traxx tells you: my valentine..my valentine gave me NOTHING for valentine's
      day!!
Melee replies to you: 0
Mythran tells you: she gave me her body
Innuendo replies to you: i dont have one atm:)
Luna tells you: a baby
Cleaner tells you: *smile* i'm a single guy. i got nothing.
Argent tells you: Love. And I found that immenantly satisfactory.
Agnoluto replies to you: 'Whiskey in the jar' on mp3.
Sardukaur replies to you: a boring animated email
Lonewolfjr tells you: You gave me nothing, you cheap tramp! Gallivanting
           around with Oak!
Leowon tells you: Grapes in bed.
Cacodemon tells you: an enchanting day with lonewolf
Think tells you: an enchanting day with lonewolf
Uberglo tells you: a wedding ring on nannymud from Ramandu to Romana
Lonewolfjr tells you: You louse of a spouse!
Andra tells you: a bath toy, bathbubbles, and chocolate (mmm...)
Malachi tells you: breakfast in bed,a card, chocolates, and peace and quiet
        the rest of the day.
Cheri tells you: my valentine turned out to be a bastard!
Bombadill replies to you: a red rose
Lagnsuyar tells you: Well, she didn't give me anything, but she didn't slap
          me either
Rain replies to you: I wanted a new guild. But I didn't get one.
Malachi tells you: oh yeah, there was that sex thing too.
Adon replies to you: who knows
Cleaner tells you: what was that, L?
Adon replies to you: well sorry
Miracle replies to you: A pair of pajamas to wear as I sleep in a new bed
        for a week on an Alaskan Cruise.

Cleaner tells you: is this a trick question? i have no valentine, we don't
        even have a valentines day in Norway
Cleaner tells you: i can answer something else for you, maybe? i got nothing
        on valentines day. honest.
Cleaner tells you: gave my mother some chocolate, that's all.
You told Cleaner: Ok. Would you marry a radioactive bulletproof monkey?
Cleaner tells you: hmm...sure. why not.

Cheri tells you: and as a present to my valentine, i divorced him, destroyed
      my locket right in front of him, and broke all of his fingers

 Ah, love springs eternal.

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 14   --


  Lonewolf's Sweden Tour '98 and '99
  Stockholm Dec 30 1998
  Orebro    Jan 1 1999
  Linkoping Jan 4 1999
  Stockholm Jan 6 1999

  T-shirts will not be sold.

  Bear in mind that this is rather abridged due to the late night and my
 failing memory .. or you could attribute it to my desire to keep the more
 lascivious events quiet.

  So, you're interested in hearing my viewpoint on the trip, what I did,
 where I went, who I saw, and all that rot?  Okay, here it comes, in no
 particular order.  I'm finally writing this up around 1 am some Monday
 morning after being .. social.  (Otherwise known as 'whipped'.)

  Yeah, I was in Sweden for a week this past winter.  I flew on United from
 Minneapolis to Chicago, and SAS from there to Copenhagen, and SAS from there
 to Stockholm, where I was met by Leowon, Beleriand, and Sarcotome, and a
 lovely bag of bilar.  Unfortunately, it did not last long, but then the
 other three decided to show me a Swedish custom of bringing the guest to
 Systembolaget to get him drunk.
  So I arrived on Wednesday December 30th.  I stayed at Leowon's mother's
 place in Stockholm, along with Leowon and Tiamo, who was also in town.
 Wednesday night is somewhat of a haze.  I remember Leowon and Tiamo singing
 along with Offspring.  Hearing an admin sing "Give it to me, baby. Uh huh,
 uh huh," is enough to scare someone .. or having an admin drop to one knee
 before you and say "I've noticed you around .. I find you very attractive ..
 would you go to bed with me?"
  So Wednesday night was .. hmm.  We ended up in Gamla Stan, I think, eating
 at Lille Karachi (which I insisted on singing as 'la cucaracha').  Indian
 food, Pakistani food, who can tell anyway... then I ended up sleeping on
 a couch while Leowon and Tiamo did something for a few hours on the fold-out
 bed.  Talked, I think.
  Thursday morning rolls around, we wake up.  Strangely, I slept from 11 pm
 until about 10 am, without any trace of jetlag.  I ended up in bed with
 Leowon, half-naked, while he fed me oranges and grapes like a decadent Roman
 emperor.  I've got photos to prove it.  I fed him some, too.

  By the way, the Swedes I met insisted that I slept in everyone's bed.  I
 insist that I was just trying them out.  You know, to see if they were
 comfortable.  I wasn't ACTUALLY asleep all the time.  It just takes a lot
 of time to carefully test a bed.

  Anyway .. what did we do Thursday .. oh yeah.  We went to see John
 Carpenter's Vampires, which I had already seen before and had been
 disappointed by, but I figured I might as well see it with the guildhead
 of vampires.  Still disappointing.  (You see, it starred Daniel Baldwin.
 There are four Baldwin brothers.  There's Stephen, the ugly Baldwin,
 William, the no-talent Baldwin, Daniel, the fat Baldwin, and Alec, the
 lucky-ass Baldwin with Kim Basigner.)  We then ended up back at Leowon's
 place later that night, and ended up cheering as half-drunk people tried
 to use fireworks on New Year's Eve.  The champagne was good, and the failed
 fuses were amusing as well.  We were also somewhat fortunate that no one
 attempted to fire a bottle rocket at us while we were shouting "Bosse!"

  Friday, 1999, what a day.  I was planning to stay with Leclerk and Lourdes
 in Orebro that night, and called them that morning before I left so they
 would know when to expect me.
  No answer.
  So Tiamo, Beleriand, Sarcotome and I hopped on the train, periodically
 calling from Beleriand's portable phone to see if Leclerk and Lourdes were
 home yet.
  No answer.
  So we arrived in Orebro, and the Swedes conferred and decided to drop me
 off with Mikaa and Kornelia.  Unfortunately, Kornelia had a bit too much to
 drink the night before, and wasn't as sociable as she'd normally be.  For
 the next several hours, Mikaa, Tiamo and I watched Wag the Dog and Liar,
 Liar, until Leclerk came home, saw the note I left on his door, and came
 by to get me.
  Friday night .. hmm, yeah.  We went out to a local pizza place, where "we"
 == me, Leclerk, Lourdes, Tiamo, Beleriand, Sarcotome, Mikaa, Kornelia,
 Beryllium, and his girlfriend.  I'm sure many of the Swedes I met will
 attest to my complaints about Swedish pizza compared to the familiar kinds
 of pizza I've grown to know and love .. that is, pizza that has meat as an
 optional topping as opposed to sixteen kinds of vegetable and maybe two
 meats.
  Kott kott kott.
  Saturday, Leclerk had planned a poker game with some of the Orebro crowd,
 but it was postponed until the next night and I opted to visit the
 university and mud.  After all, someone somewhere would have been
 disappointed if I didn't mud with people around me for a change.. at least,
 that's my justification for mudding on vacation, and I'm sticking with it.
  I met Oriole, Zmirc, and Funnybunny that day, and poor Lovecraft was
 forced to duel the evil Enlad.  Twice, even; the bloodthirsty vampire was
 not satiated with death until he died a second time at the peace-loving
 Oracle's hands.  Cthulhu appreciated the sacrifice, of course, and armour
 of skin made from the corpse of Enlad proved to be a rather bs platemail.
  However, insomnia began to strike Saturday night, and I couldn't fall
 asleep until four or five a.m. on Sunday morning.  I slept until a bit
 after noon, Leclerk spent most of the day Quaking, and that evening he and
 I went to Mordor's apartment for a game of poker.  Gurk, Charmangle, and
 Doroon also came by, and we let the cards fall where they may.
  It was my lucky night - I didn't even need to bugabuse the cards.  I won
 enough to make up for the train ride from Stockholm, and afterwards we ended
 up playing a drinking game proposed by Charmangle.
  Let me take this moment to state that Gurk had difficulty remembering which
 numbers included a 7 or were divisible by 7.  Mordor provided some good
 wine, though, which got progressively better as the night went on (as things
 tend to...)

  After the game broke up, Charmangle and I stood outside for the next hour
 discussing guilds, Rolemaster, and events in general while Mordor, Leclerk,
 and Gurk proceeded to a bar to continue drinking.  Mordor was also kind
 enough not to threaten me in any way, except for the offer to come back and
 stay at his place that night.  Fortunately, I remembered Oriole's kind words
 from earlier -- "When a drunken Swede tries to tell you that it is a custom
 for a guest to share the bed with his host, don't believe him."

  And of course, insomnia struck again, and I couldn't fall asleep until
 seven or eight in the morning .. and Nothel was coming by around noon to
 take me to Linkoping.  I woke up shortly before his arrival, and ducked out
 of the shower just before his arrival.  Unfortunately, I kept dozing off in
 the back seat of the car, and then leaning over to my left, where my face
 would hit Nothel's plant.  I'd jerk awake, mumble something, and go back to
 sleep.  Nothel probably found this incredibly amusing.
  Monday I also found out that there had been both paintball and fencing
 the day before in Orebro, much to my disappointment.  Sulk.
  We arrived in Linkoping around 2 p.m. on Monday the 4th.  After we unpacked
 the car, I took a nap on his bed (just to try it out, honest) and woke up
 periodically during the afternoon for a few minutes.  I vaguely recall
 Sarcotome and Beleriand coming by, and Nobody making an appearance as well.
 Around 7 or 8 we went out to eat, and then Nobody drifted away, pleading
 that he had to teach a class the next morning.  Amazingly enough, I slept
 another ten hours that night, and Tuesday the pack of us went to meet some
 other admin at the university.
  I met Brom, Taren, Banshee, and Gwendolyn, and ended up having tea with
 them.  Being surrounded by 6 35++ (Leowon and Nothel were there as well)
 was enough for me to keep my mouth politely shut most of the time.
  *happy polite smile and nod*
  They were extremely gracious hosts, too, and Brom's tea was rather good.
 Taren's fiber biscuits weren't, though.  It felt like chewing on gravel, or
 maybe some bark from a tree.  He seemed to like them, however.

  After the tea party broke up, Brom allowed me to login from localhost,
 which was such an experience I had to type one-handed.  Of course, so did
 he, and everyone else there.  Several of us then went to meet Dagoth, who
 graciously hosted us while we threw bags of bilar across the room until
 they broke, at which point we ended up eating the bilar. (Or, in my case,
 licking it and sticking it to the inside of his closet door.  Don't tell
 him about the ones under his bed or behind his monitor.)  Dagoth also claims
 that I slept in both of his beds, but I don't know how true that is.  I
 was just checking my eyelids for leaks, you see, and I had a hunch that he
 would be a highwizard soon, so I wanted to say that I slept in his bed as
 well (thus making three highwiz beds I'd slept in in one week.)

  We then wandered to Leowon's place, where we had a party consisting of me,
 Leowon, Nothel, Gwendolyn, Dagoth, Tiamo, Jadea, Beleriand, and Thargor.
 Sarcotome had gone back to Stockholm with a migraine, and, of course,
 Leowon was watching MTV and insisted on singing that he was pretty fly for
 a white guy.  I noticed that Swedish MTV plays that video about a third of
 the time, mixing in all the others the remaining two-thirds.  Later, a
 Vietnam-based sitcom came on, and my jaw dropped.  I hadn't quite expected
 to see Full Metal Jacket or Platoon turned into a series.  We have some
 amusing pictures from that night...

  However, I developed a strained muscle in my back, and ended up spending
 most of that evening on the floor with Leowon trying to massage my back.
 (Now, in my opinion, that's how "a powerful and very helpful high wizard"
 should act.  Kudos.)  Unfortunately, despite his ministrations, the problem
 remained and from 2 am to 8 am on Wednesday morning I laid on my back, eyes
 closed, trying not to move and trying to sleep.  At 8, I thought about just
 forgetting about sleep and taking a shower, but I ended up falling asleep
 from exhaustion for the next three hours, until Nothel kicked me awake (like
 the kind admin he is) to get me off his floor.  The day breezed by, and he,
 Beleriand, and I spent an hour or so at the train station waiting for a
 delayed train, and then I slept for two hours on the train until we arrived
 in Stockholm, and Sarcotome met me again.
  We had tried to get in touch with Shanta, but failed somewhat miserably,
 until out of sheer luck we saw him on the bus from the train station to
 Sarcotome's place out in the suburbs.  Nice guy, and finally someone who
 looks like a stereotypical Swede .. tall and blonde.  I was getting tired of
 brownhaired Swedes.  It was making a jingoist look bad.
  Of course, I couldn't sleep that night either, and ended up tossing and
 turning until about 5 a.m., just a half hour before the alarm went off.
 The early morning was due to the fact that I had to get to Arlanda airport
 by 8 am or so, and what with several of us fighting for a bathroom in the
 morning, and so on ...

  The end.
  Summary:
    Beleriand and Sarcotome followed me around like groupies.  They deny
    this, and say it was to keep me out of trouble.  However, I also have a
    quote from one of them; something to the extent of "He was a pretty quiet
    guy, until we put him in front of a computer.  Then he leapt into action
    like a panther!"

    Bosse!

    People in Orebro like to drink.

    The admin are nice people, really.  Honestly.

    All the people I met were very hospitable and generous, and I can't thank
    them enough for the fun I had on my trip.  Thank you again for putting
    up with me for a night or two, or putting up with my complaints about
    Swedish pizza toppings or Swedish keyboards.

    And really, the pictures from this will be scanned.  They're just about
    a thousand miles away from me right now, but they're being developed as
    we speak and will be sent out to me shortly.  (And for those of you who
    still nag me, the pictures from my visit to Copenhagen last year and
    Stockholm two years ago will be scanned soon .. as soon as I get them
    back into my possession.)

  People I met, in rough order of appearance:
   Leowon
   Beleriand
   Sarcotome
   Tiamo
   Mikaa
   Kornelia
   Leclerk
   Lourdes
   Beryllium
   Oriole
   Zmirc
   Funnybunny
   Mordor
   Gurk
   Charmangle
   Doroon
   Nothel
   Nobody
   Brom
   Banshee
   Taren
   Gwendolyn
   Dagoth
   Jadea
   Thargor
   Shanta

  I'll be by again next winter, I hope.

 //Lonewolf

[Polar]

---------------------- The NannyMUD Times --------------------- page 15   --



  Happy belated Valentine's Day.
  The next issue will be for St. Patrick's Day in mid-march.  Optimistically
  expect it then; pessimistically expect it this summer.

  Thanks go to Groke and Snuttegumma for the pklog, Dagoth for consenting to
  the interview, and Narya for her submissions.

  Hope you enjoyed it.